Thank you.

To the gentleman who entered my life and changed me irrevocably, thank you.

You have no idea how profoundly you changed me. The difference you made. And all it took was for you to be the first person to know me & see me & appreciate me unconditionally. Understand me. And show me - in a world where I was being told I wasn't good enough, I was too much of this, too little of that - that I was good enough, worthy, valuable, good even.

Ok it helps a lot that we are so very alike, a mirror of each other, so many sentences ending in "me too". Same taste, same manners, same decorum, gentle behaviours. Think so much alike its uncanny. We could almost be related.

Because of this; because of you, I am permanently changed for the better. Its a bitter pill that in doing so I lost my old life - but it wasn't serving me well.

All of this with nothing more than your friendship.


I doubt I could ever repay the favour.


But if I could, I would turn your world around, I would tell you;

That you have the most beautiful heart of anyone I know, you want to love and you want to be loved - you have so much love to give. I know, I see you. Yet you have walls up around your heart and that can only be because you feel you have to, and that kills me.

You ask me, why does she not appreciate you? I wish I had said that I don't think it is anything to do with you. I think it's to do with her - she doesn't do anything to be proud of. She isn't proud of herself. She doesn't value herself. Oh sure, she thinks she is better than everyone she encounters - but thats because of the house of cards she lives in - not anything she actually achieves herself. And I know you love her all the same.

You ask me, why does she not appreciate you? I wish I had said she wants something else, always did, she has an ideal that you aren't meeting, can't meet - not because you're wrong, or she's wrong, just because you're so fundamentally different. She wants man X and you are man Y. A great man, certainly, skilled at many fabulous things, generous with your love - but not the things that she wants, values. And I know you love her all the same.

You ask me, why does she not appreciate you? I wish I had said you've made mistakes, you're human - we all have. She can't forgive you. She can't forget. But she can't release you either. You've been held prisoner for these errors, what 15 - 20 years now? You don't deserve to pay for this by having love withheld forevermore - you have this life to live. But you will be. And I know you love her all the same.

You ask me, why does she not appreciate you? I wish I had said she has to turn away from you, it's impossible for her to see value in someone who sees value in her - when she knows she isn't doing her best. Isn't doing herself proud. There must be something wrong with you. She can't let anyone else like you either. Has to see only the bad in you, it justifies her position. Her entire life is based on "I must, because he isn't or doesn't or won't". Even if she acknowledged your good she can't change this position for to do the opposite would be to acknowledge she is wrong, and she cannot ever do that. And I know you love her all the same.

You ask me, why does she not appreciate you? I wish I had said that I think you married someone as undemonstrative as your parents were. That you knew no better. This is the greatest shame of all for such a heart as yours. The man who gave the jumper from his back to an almost stranger when you noticed her shivering, then turned her world upside down by recognising her.


I wish for you that one day she will appreciate you, or release you. I wish for you all of the happinesses in the world, I wish for you the most passionate love I know you are capable of. I wish for you, simply the best.



Why have I not told you any of this? Because I don't think it would help you to hear it. I don't think you could do anything with it. I think it would just sadden you, remove your hope. You would resign yourself and give up trying. And I don't want that for you. So I tell you instead, the good that I can find in you and in her, the good I can find in you together. Encourage you to try.



But If I thought you would I would tell you to fly, to seek what you deserve, to seek what you are capable of, to live and be cherished and desired passionately. With her if you can, but if not then elsewhere, for I have no doubt you would really, truly live in love.